God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
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-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn鈥檛 know we were fighting.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You鈥檙e lucky it has seats.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim鈥檚 loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don鈥檛 have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
me: time for some laundry 馃檪
laundry machine: ok 馃檪
me: ok time to dry 馃檪
dryer: i鈥檝e invented a new knot. it transcends humanity鈥檚 current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That鈥檚 were I keep my feet.