ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
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Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur