Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
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For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Why font matters.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.