I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
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karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Lmao 🤣
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.