Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
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How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay