[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
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Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.