WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
You Might Also Like
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”