Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
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Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
May never get over this
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy