[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
You Might Also Like
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
being a writer on Twitter:
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
just pretend nothing happened
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.