I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
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Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Made something I’m not proud of
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”