Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
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[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Kidney stones? Hard pass
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’