Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
You Might Also Like
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
🐕🍷
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”