Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
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[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
This meeting could have been a cake
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon