If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.