I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
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me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.