When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
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every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…