My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
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bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?