At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
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A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.