police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
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There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.