Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
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Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.