Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
You Might Also Like
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine