Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
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Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]