Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
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I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.