wtf is an acronym
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Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.