Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
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[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR