Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
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Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!