If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
And now we wait
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I’m having an out of money experience.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.