If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
You Might Also Like
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart