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At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
this country is so goddamn polarized
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.