whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
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A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence