wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
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ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
A wise man once said nothing.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts