It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
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Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.