*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
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fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.