It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
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Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.