I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
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A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
socratic questions
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
remember
only for emergencies
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.