Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
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My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.