When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
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No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.