5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
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teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
c’mon!
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours