Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
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ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
This meal prepping shit is easy
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.