Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
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me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
If I ignore life will it go away?
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.