Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
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Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”