I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
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I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix