[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
You Might Also Like
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
What an awful time to have common sense.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein