the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
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VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
bought wrong eggs
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue