Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
You Might Also Like
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
#JohnTravolta
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Gods work.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach