Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
absolutely not
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.