My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
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Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
How actors in movies eat their food
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.