Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
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You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.