Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
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This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*