you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
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REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…